media teacher’s blog

It's been awhile. I have been out and about living my life. This summer was supposed to be a fun filled
 care free time. I've spent much of it in the doctor's office or having some sort of medical testing. I also spent time doing a spend down at work.

There has been some good stuff.  A boyfriend, my honda might be back on the road, the 'Sex and the City' movie rocked, and no work (well not yet anways).

My boyfriend has tried to renovate my home but we are still working on it. It's an experiment I call 'Mess Fest 08'.

Yeah.....the boyfriend....it's a mixed bag of stuff...but it's all good. I just need some practice being with someone again. It's been a long time since I had a boyfriend sort of person in my life. It's different and cool but also sort of unruly

The multiple myeloma seems to be under control for the moment. I now have some new challenges with a missing ovary that might be wrapped around my intestines.  This may be the answer to why my left lower quadrant has hurt since last summer's surgery fest. It's possible that someone didn't put stuff back correctly during one of the three surgeries I had. The ovary could be stuck to something else in my pelvic area. There are also a variety of cysts, fibroids and other odd items in the area. GREAT.

I just want to get all this taken care of so I can feel better and not so much like I am living my life between doctor's visits.

I need an hour with no pain or concerns to spend with my friends and family. That's all I am asking.

 It's very hot in the workplace. I wish I was the sort of person who could wear shorts and flipflops to the workplace. At least for the after hours portion of my servitude.

My computer is still at the nerd spa and I have no idea when it will be returning to its usual position below my dusty messy desk.

I am worried about my students. I am not sure every one will finish their assignments in time for the taping next week.

I am not sure why I am so worried. Shouldn't the students be worried.

Other than that I have several doctor's visits coming up after the school year is done.

I am hoping I can keep the promise to myself that I will not work this summer except on my own personal development which could mean I just walk my dog and read books.....

Because I feel like I am about to melt into a pool of sweaty worried ooze.....I will leave you a picture of my date at the dump.

His Best Side

I yelled at students today. I snapped at students today. I read people the riot act. Now it is up to them to do their homework. Quite a few people started doing their work after my whiny requests.

I am tired of people thinking I don’t give homework or people don’t learn anything in my classes. I am just tired. Can you tell?

There are too many things still left to do in the semester. There are too many things to do at home before my kid comes home from the dorm. I don’t know what he will do this summer but I hope it will be fairly quiet while I am sleeping.

I need an attitude adjustment. I need to divide my journaling into two categories media teaching and professor pain. I do write somewhere else about other things so this might be the way to go.

If I bend too much I hurt. If I sit too long I hurt. If I lift a tripod I hurt. How am I supposed to be conducting business as usual when I still hurt every hour of very day? What is up with the annoying pains in my lower back and hip? The lower back pain is new and could be because I am starting to pick up more things than I used to.

Apparently there is a whining/complaining diet. I need to go on that diet as well as ones for food and finances. No more whining or complaining. I feel like someone who needs the assistance of a bad tabloid television show.

I want to come home and sit still tomorrow.

Sitting still is very therapeutic. Being quiet can be healing.

I need to work on my sleep. You would think with all of the physical activity I would be sleeping just fine. I think it’s because my dog keeps barking when the neighbors come home or the wind kicks up the trees outside of the living room window.

There are too many incidental problems in my life with other people. I think about some of these issues at night. Probably I shouldn’t do that.  I am still puzzled at how humans hurt each other. Why do we do this? What do we get out of being cruel to one another? Why can’t we be more careful with one another? Sometimes people just want to talk about one another becuase they are curious but sometimes curiosity turns to cruelty. Why are people like this? Why can't we leave people alone? Why do people make it harder on themselves by living in a fantasy world? Reality is harsh and humans are fragile beings.

Oh well….my bed awaits with a large puppy taking up most of the space.

Spring is here with warm tornado like winds. I am not so much for the wind but I am enjoying the 60 degree temperatures. Of course most of the students have spring fever so my attendance levels aren't great. I was particularly perturbed on Monday, which was a beautiful day that I could have spent riding around in a convertible, dealing with people who were absent because they were playing golf. This happened in all three classes. 

The semester is all over but the shouting and I need to keep my Broadcast J people in line and working. I am not sure how all this will turn out. My speech people are doing as expected. The Mass Comm folks continue to politely listen to me and are working on their projects. The Video folks should make it if they work hard next week during their class time.

We won some Golden Leafs.....three awards out of eight entries. I should be happy about this but I am disappointed I didn't spend more of my spring break working on getting some entries together from the spring 07 semester.  I have to be gentle with myself because my students and I didn't have the fall to work on things.

Other than that I am tired from traveling around on weekends. I am behind on the laundry. My computer has a virus I can't get rid of. The usual deritus of life. I am trying to walk every day..... hoping to build up to some actual working out by the time I am done with school. I climb the stairs as often as I can during the day which leaves me breathless but I feel like it might be helping.

There are things I need to write, papers I need to grade and laundry I need to fold. There are also things I need to think about.  Big and little things.

I need to think about that my ortho neuro doc said that I have graduated from his service and I need to move onto the migraine guy. That's good news for my back injury but I am still puzzled by the pain in my hip. It might always be there. I wonder how I will deal with that being a forever kind of pain.  He also liked my hair.

I need to graduate from the onocology service. That's a four year process....it's hard to believe I am almost at one year...in July.

I feel pretty good most days but some days I am in pain. Saturday I almost in tears because I tripped on something and then I hurt my hip getting into a tub. I am so clumsy.

There are things I want, there are things I need, there are some things I need to let go. Too many things.

I have to make sure that I don't work this summer so I can address all of the things and get healthy.  The time to be happy is now. Be healthy is part of that. Being healthy means not working and worrying.

Oh well...time to stop my very random ramble. I need to fold some laundry and go to sleep.

The whole weekend was just weird. I read, day dreamed, and spent alot of my time at the sci fi convention up at the workplace. I guess I need to explain....every year my workplace hosts a science fiction conference. This year one of the guests was a guy who worked as an assistant director for a sci fi show with a huge fan base. He also made some of his own films. It was fun to listen to him and watch his films. It was cool to bounce ideas off of him.
One of his comments to me was...."You seem to be the brains of the operation....so why aren't you making your own film?"  He also told me I was very resourceful.

I know my dream of getting a film in a regional festival or even into SXSW is still a possibility despite all of the challenges I would have. I am just not sure I'll have the energy or drive to do it. This isn't the first time someone has told me believe in me. The question is...why does everyone think I am worth believing in when it comes to this sort of thing. Why don't I believe in myself?

Handing over the stuff for him to watch was mentally and physically exhausting. I don't know why. I think I just had a hard week physically because I put in a couple of ten hour days in a row. I have to remember that I can't do that anymore no matter how far behind I am at work.

I have other thoughts and things but I best keep them private or file them away.

I was also a little lonely this weekend but that's okay. Sometimes I need to be that way to remind me of the love I have in my life. 

I

Last week I did some things that were good for me and some things I probably shouldn't have done. I will leave it to the reader to categorize my activities.

I was late. Alot.

I ate alot of M & Ms. Lots.

I still didn't clean my house. Lazy.

I walked up/down a small stadium of stairs without keeling over...then I went to the mall and shopped without whimpering.

I walked my dog through the rain, hail, snow, and sunshine of the week.

I managed to sleep two nights in row for about eight hours each night because I was in complete darkness without my diva of a dog barking at every little thing.

I somehow managed to fill a bathroom full of bubbles with just a squirt of shampoo. It was like an "I Love Lucy" episode.

I did three hours of homework instead of going out on Friday.

A tiny drunk girl bounced on my knee to a Flo-Rider song.

I stood on a floor sticky with beer and who knows what.....and listened to a DJ play practically every song from my prom while I was stone cold sober.

I shot rugby from the sidelines and within the first 30 seconds of the tape I got hit by a rugby ball and a rugby girl. The YouTube Video will be up soon. I still haven't gotten the knack. I felt alive but I also felt like I can't do my job. But it did feel strange running down the sidelines not thinking about what I was doing that day. I should have thought more and sent the student down to do it. But I needed to know. I needed to know I could do it. Now that I know that I might just put the camera down.

I changed a doctor's appointment because of a school commitment.

I missed meeting a student's wife because I am trying to cut my time at work down to eight hours a day. Student wasn't too happy with me....but this is the student who can never find me.

I got scared when someone got real with me.

I managed to leave the rest of my cupcake in someone else's fridge.

I didn't really get to talk to my family because I was so far behind on paperwork for work.

I got upset at a family member. again and again.

I was surprised by someone's kindness.

I downloaded a bunch of Stevie Nicks songs. I don't know why.

I also downloaded Care Bears on Fire, acoustic Snoop Dogg, amy ray, and some other weird stuff to listen too.

I was happy a student listened to me and did a great job!

I told my disruptive student they were going to have to go sit in a naughty chair if they kept disturbing the class.

I totally biffed the days I listen to the Sports Show on K92. Tuesday nights? Wednesday Nights? What night is that show?

I said something really embarrassing to a student. I hope they understand. I wasn't being sensitive. I didn't consider the alternatives.

I wrote mushy facebook messages to some people I just found on there.

I missed all of the drama and trauma of the spring concert. Who is that cruel, and insane to do something like that? What if someone got hurt because of that?

For some reason, I felt loved.

Maybe things can get better. I'll just have to try harder to get stronger.

Be good.

I am writing and posting more because people were complaining about the lack of posts during the great Internet drought of 2008. I went for more than a month without the Internet at home. This limited my time for social purposes on the net since I usually spend most of my time at work researching or writing things that I need for my employment.

I wrote everyday the whole time I didn't have the easy access to the online road to ruin. I tried to work things out in my head by writing. I am still doing that but now I am posting most of it and exposing myself to the ridicule and scrutiny of my students, colleagues, friends and family. Part of the reason I do this is discuss in this recent New York Times article.

I love the picture of John Houseman that accompanies the article. I used to watch "The Paper Chase" with my dad when I was a little girl. I loved the idea of going to college and having gruff but gentle professors who wanted to teach me how to think because that's what the process of law school does. It teaches you how to organize your thoughts and research into viable arguments. Most lawyers I know are good thinkers despite having some organizational issues.
I'm interested to check out 'The Professor Strikes Back" show. I will have to try to see if I can record it off of the school's MTV2 feed.

I had a horrible day in the classroom today. I couldn't control my disruptive students. I could not hold anyone's attention worth a shit. A student misinterpreted what I said about an assignment and took offense. Sometimes I just feel like why am I even trying? What the heck are some of these people going to do when they graduate? They are definitely not used to the whole idea of 'show up and shut up" when it comes to work or school. Some of these people can't  concentrate for more than four minutes at a time.

Not everyone is like this but I just took it to heart today because I had a phone call recently from one of the folks who employs quite a few of our students. They wanted to talk to me about why one of these  folks has an  'attitude' problemor in other words why the hell was this person behaving like spoiled,  lazy, and over privileged diva.  He also wanted to know why someone they employed in a different department who was related major here at the workplace couldn't write their way out of paper bag. He said another department head  was disappointed with that particular hire because the person in that department thought WSC grads could write based on the skills that the people that I had taught displayed. This person they hired did not have any journalism or broadcasting classes but the department head thought they were getting a known quantity when they hired a WSC grad. Now they know that nothing is guaranteed unless my name is somehow attached to the resume.

I am just worried that people like this are going to make it more difficult for students to get their foot in the door. I am trying so hard to infuse my curriculum with practical stuff like writing and editing for electronic media but I don't think any of these people are listening. They rush through their assignments or don't take them seriously. When do they think they will put together a resume reel? When they graduate? Why do they want to make it harder on themselves?
Isn't the world going to be hard enough?

Maybe I was being over sensitive but people sleeping, texting, and talking during class is starting to get to me. It didn't used to be this way. I think part of it is that I have lost my ability to control the classroom since I came back. I have the material but I feel like no one is listening.

This huge pity party I am on lately isn't helping nor is the consistent amount of pain I am in everyday.

I have got to figure out how to get these people back into the game and do their work.

Between the PT, the acupuncture, and a massage my body is hurting today. My hip aches. I even left school early today because I knew that tomorrow would be a long day.

We're going to do a remote. This will require alot of patience since I can't pick anything up. I can just point to things. I also wonder who will work this remote since half the people who would usually show up to do this thing are doing other things. It's weird because most of the people who have complained that we don't do anything in class can't show up when we are doing something.

I'm worried about the people who are suppose to graduate. No one has anything resume ready. I mean none of them. I am not sure what to do about this other than to encourage them to do some resume worthy work.

My dog has ance or a rash on her snout. She has been home less than three days and I have already broken her. It's gross because she rubs her face on the already trashed carpet and makes it even more disgusting. She might have to go to the vet which may cause logistical problems. The truck is too high for her to jump into and I can't lift her. This will require some creative problem solving.

I need to take time to clean my house up a bit. But I am just procrastinating on that like everything else.
I should be continuing to update our advising handbook pages right now but I took a break. I am trying to reassure all those myspace people that yes, I AM ALIVE despite my page being hijacked and all that.

I need more sleep. Even '60 minutes' agrees with me on that one. Apparently if you don't sleep enough you don't produce lepitin and when you don't produce lepitin you think you are hungry all the time. Hmm...that sounds familiar. Maybe I can work this angle so I can stop scarfing down unhealthy food. Actually, I don't think what I eat is that unhealthy it's just the amount. I can work on this. But like many other things I just don't always get to it.

We had more snow again today. Not my favorite. 

The snow caused some problems.

I am not happy about this.
Argg.....I just don't think it's tasteful.

This is something to think about. I am not sure I can even process this.

I should probably fix my myspace page but for some reason I don't want too. Myspace causes too many issues with the home computer. A friend emailed another friend to ask if I had died. I guess it's nice that they asked.

I missed the sexual harassment workshop at work because I had to get to physical therapy where I was told 'your hamstrings are tight' and 'you don't need PT as in physical therapy you need it as in personal trainer' 'are you sure the doctor told you to come here'. After that conversation the nice therapist proceeded to have me do things with my core muscles that hurt in good way but then I did one thing that hurt in a bad way. The therapist didn't quite believe my story till someone brought up my xray. She was stunned I could move around as well as I can. Sometimes I'm not happy with myself because it seems like there is so much I still can't do. Certain things like bending require planning and thought. I can't pick things up. I am actually afraid of the camera bag at work cause I know I can pick up but then it will hurt like a mofo later. Vacuuming is very difficult. I can do it but my lower back will actually hurt afterwards. I can't cut my toenails on the left foot. There are other more personal things that are challenging but I have to give myself some time.

My calf still hurts from last week and my hip pain is about the same. I want the hip pain to go away. I am hoping the PT will help.

I wonder if I really need a sexual harassment workshop?  I feel it's hypocritical of my workplace to ask me to attend one. I  have complained twice about being harassed and the workplace didn't respond to me at all. I was told in the one case that I needed more than one incident to complain.  One of the people still works there. I think students have complained about this person too, but nothing was done. Maybe if someone complains now they will do something about this guy. I know I am a big girl and can take care of myself but this person is insidious and subtle. It angers me that no action has been taken but then again what do I know.
 
 The other guy I actually kneed in the balls cause he got too close too many times. This guy was consistently doing stuff like trying to snap my bra strap. He would also put himself in a position to reach around me in small spaces. He was just a weirdo. He also made alot of comments on my appearance. He  wanted me to go to church to save my soul because I had sinned by having a kid out of wedlock.   But this was all before the sexual harassment policy was in place. My boss at the time told me that the person's time was up at the end of the year so I just needed to be patient and the problem would take care of itself.

When I think about this I wonder if the fact I didn't complain too much or too loudly about these people is indicative of my tendency to not care for myself. I know during one of the times this stuff happened I was doing some counseling about another issues in my life and I mentioned it to the therapist who also worked part time for the workplace. The therapist seemed concerned that I didn't make a bigger deal out of it. She also seemed upset that nothing was done.

Sometimes I wonder if I am treating people fairly. I don't think I harass people per say but sometimes I tease my students to try to get them to do a better job or to get them to wake up.  Not so much anymore because I don't them well enough to tease them. I do tease people who fall asleep in class. I have a couple of students who think class time is nap time. One of them works at 4:30AM everyday and the other one I think they just stay up too late after their work ends at night. I also tease a student who consistently causes class disruptions. It sort of keeps them under control for a bit. I know that student pretty well and they will be graduating soon. I worry about them. My other class disrupter I have some problems with but have managed to cope with it by spending some time with them outside of class. They don't teach you how to deal with these things in grad school. I don't think the teasing is sexual but it could be considered harassment. I will have to read up on this and see what the deal is. No one has ever complained but there is always a first time.

I know I fell asleep in my 8am aesthetics class in college. I think I also slept though a semester of anthropology but I managed to study the text and do well on the exams. I liked the aesthetics professor. He pulled me aside and told me I had to wake up because I was causing him to have a complex about his teaching skills. The instructor was a pretentious arty boy who later that year after I had graduated, decided to ask me out on series of  dates which consisted of watching a series of Russ Meyer movies in his apartment. I wonder if that would be considered sexual harassment?  His intentions seemed sincere. He wanted to expand my knowledge of classic American films. He tried to get me to go into a PhD program after my MFA cause he felt I would be a great teacher but I told him I was done with school for awhile cause I needed to have a 'real' life.

I also had a prof in grad school that was charged with sexual harassment but the school chose to send him to some sort of rehab situation cause he was also an alcoholic. I remember having him in class prior to the rehab. He arranged our seating so that all of the women were in the front row. He also used to have 'one on ones' with us. Usually you would try to bring a friend to your 'one on one' because he was just a creepy sort of guy. He'd talk to your breasts instead of your face. I was assigned to be his lab assistant. When he came back from his forced sabbatical he would talk to me about all sorts of weirdly inappropriate things. Later I was quizzed about by the department head about all of this. I think the school asked him to take early retirement. At the time my coping strategy was to just play along with his crap, keep my head down, and hope for a good grade. One time I got upset about something he said to me I remember putting my hand underneath his chin lifting his head up so he would look me in the eye. I told him to repeat what he said but he couldn't. He didn't bother me again.

It seems weird to me that we still have these sorts of problems in my workplace. I would have hoped to have all sexual harassment eradicated in my lifetime at work.  I think it's the exception rather than the rule at my workplace. It does bother me that the one person still works there. But I also think my view is skewed because of my life experiences. I just hope I am not hurting my students. I know that when students have come to me to complain about things like this I have sent them to my supervisors but there doesn't appear to be much follow up. I worry about that.

I don't know why I am thinking about this right now. Maybe it's repressed memories or something,. Or maybe I am just annoyed the workplace will ask me attend a videotaped screening of the workshop.

I spend alot of time thinking about what I want the second half of my life to feel and look like. I have come up with a few things to consider and ponder.

1. I want to be happy.

2. I want to not worry about what people think of me.

3. I want to be as healthy as I can be.

4. I want to make more art. Or be more creative I'm not sure what format that will take.

5. I want to live in a house that's clean and presentable. This means a maid, stylist, and personal assistant.

6. I want to not have to worry if I am wearing raggy underwear everyday because of unexpected trip to a doctor or hospital. This has happened twice in a 30 day period. I was wearing the the worst possible bra and underwear when I was being held against my will by a medical professional. Twice

7. I want to maintain my friendships.

8. I want to volunteer and help kids.

9. I want to improve my relationships with certain people in my family

10. I want to live near an ocean or the desert.

11. I'd like to be in love again but I am not sure about that. Love is cool and all that but it always ends up being a painful lesson to be learned for me. I always love people that aren't interested, inappropriate, or screwed up. What does that say about me? I don't regret any of it. I think I've been able to have a 'love of my life' and that was fantastic but as for the chances of that happening again...I think I'd rather buy a lotto ticket. Better odds.

12. Hot sex would be nice but I'm not sure how hot it could be when I am all broken like this. I think I'll have to adjust my expectations on that one. I'm not twenty anymore.

13. Not to be broken anymore.

14. To continue to be a good teacher.

15. I should probably learn how to knit or quilt. You know, a hobby.....