The last few weeks have been difficult. I have a myriad of problems that need to be dealt with and only so much energy to spread around.
I had a return visit to the hospital which scared me and my Broadcast J students. I had a terrible headache all day. I was stuttering and couldn't think. I could understand people but then my jaw locked up and I really couldn't talk. My head swam with pain. I could only ask why? It was scary. I ended up in the hospital for about 24 hours. They catscanned my head... nothing seemed to be wrong. I was in pain till finally someone gave me a shot of Toradol. I felt weird because it didn't really dull the pain the way it usually does. It did let me sleep for bits of time.
My IV blew twice so I know I was dehydrated. I must have felt like crap because I didn't want to get up by myself. My bed was alarmed so when I tried to stroll over to the bathroom a very loud piercing sound happened and didn't stop till the nurse came and turned it off. I saw my favorite nurse of all time Amber. She is such a nice kind person.
The next day when I could think better I talked to my doc about going back to counseling and doing something about my stress level. I tend to not notice when I am really stressed out about something and then something like this headache happens.
My oncologist urged me to come to the Cancer Center to get checked out because mysterious weird headaches can be indicators of the return of the cancer. He told me my blood proteins were a little high but we'd watch them. He also told me not to stress out too much. He thought I looked like I might have been working to hard.
I had been doing okay with work but it just sort of piled up on me. The additional stress of working out my problems with the IRS only added to the pile of stuff. I spent about 6 hours organizing the information for the Tax Advocate. The Tax Advocate is supposed to help idiots like me deal with the IRS. I qualify for the help because I am still recovering from all of the broken back and cancer mess.
After I finished the IRS paperwork I sat down and listed every medical bill I have. That was more than stressful. I was upset the whole time thinking how will I pay this back on my salary? How will I do this without working an extra job? I also thought I have good insurance and I still owe a kings ransom in medical bills. The only other debt I have is the really bad kind student loans and taxes.
I should think "Oh it's just money" but it isn't. I have real problems with money. It's not just being disorganized. It's destructive. I vow to get some help with this and figure it out. I don't think I will ever be 'good' with money but I can at least try to do something about this 'bad' stressful relationship I have with it.
I have no cable, no Internet, and no phone other than my cell. That should save some money. It should also let me have some more time to spend walking or reading or doing my homework.
My last thing I need to address is my unhealthy relationship with food. I have been overeating to the extreme. All I want is pop and candy. This isn't healthy. I am lucky that some people have been making me wholesome healthy food. The school is having a workshop about healthy eating so I think I will go to that. Maybe I can get some ideas about my over eating problem. I think overeating is like my problem with money. I know what I need to do but I have trouble doing it. I can talk the talk but when it comes to walking the walk it ain't happening.
This winter has been hard on my physically and mentally. It just never seems to end. Every day I get up and I hurt somewhere new. I can't take narcotics because all that does is numb things up for awhile. I also have to think about if I will fall on the ice and snow. Last week I fell three times. I keep thinking that when I fall "Will this be the fall that puts my rods or screws out of place?" It's a frightening thought.
I have also been getting upset about the recent rash of school shootings. I should feel fine and secure at my school because I know the majority of students. It just seems to me that every year I spend teaching I get more broken people. Some of these people are damaged in the most profound ways. I am not sure anymore how much help I can be to these people. I just want my students to be able to forge good happy lives with fulfilling relationships. That might be too much to ask or too hard to manage now. Everything is so different.
I have some wonderful terrific people and that makes up for everything. I still worry about the ones I don't know or I can't reach out too. I don't have the energy to spend on my students that I did before. I feel bad about that but I have to find ways to do my job that won't sacrifice my entire heart and soul.
For years this job has been the only thing I have ever fully loved and committed to. I need to redefine things and rearrange some things to strike a balance. I think I will be healthier for it and my students would benefit from seeing a teacher with a balanced sense of priorities.
I am tired of feeling screwed up. I want to feel whole and healthy. I can't remember that feeling. That's frightening and sad.
Some people don't like when I write like this because it cuts too close to bone and it's intensely personal. The way I feel about it is that I know some people read this and get some help from it. I know some people read this and worry about me. I write because it suits me. It also keeps me honest. I need to be honest with myself. Self pity isn't pretty.
Even with all of these dark problems I do have some hope because my friends and sister have been real troupers helping me out as I stumble way through this difficult winter. I feel so weak but then when someone will call and talk me down off the ledge or someone will make me some food or my sister will send me a funny card or someone does some simple kindness for me....it helps so much. It makes me realize that I used to be like that once upon a time and maybe some day I will be like that again.
I can only hope.
