7 posts from March 2008

Last week I did some things that were good for me and some things I probably shouldn't have done. I will leave it to the reader to categorize my activities.

I was late. Alot.

I ate alot of M & Ms. Lots.

I still didn't clean my house. Lazy.

I walked up/down a small stadium of stairs without keeling over...then I went to the mall and shopped without whimpering.

I walked my dog through the rain, hail, snow, and sunshine of the week.

I managed to sleep two nights in row for about eight hours each night because I was in complete darkness without my diva of a dog barking at every little thing.

I somehow managed to fill a bathroom full of bubbles with just a squirt of shampoo. It was like an "I Love Lucy" episode.

I did three hours of homework instead of going out on Friday.

A tiny drunk girl bounced on my knee to a Flo-Rider song.

I stood on a floor sticky with beer and who knows what.....and listened to a DJ play practically every song from my prom while I was stone cold sober.

I shot rugby from the sidelines and within the first 30 seconds of the tape I got hit by a rugby ball and a rugby girl. The YouTube Video will be up soon. I still haven't gotten the knack. I felt alive but I also felt like I can't do my job. But it did feel strange running down the sidelines not thinking about what I was doing that day. I should have thought more and sent the student down to do it. But I needed to know. I needed to know I could do it. Now that I know that I might just put the camera down.

I changed a doctor's appointment because of a school commitment.

I missed meeting a student's wife because I am trying to cut my time at work down to eight hours a day. Student wasn't too happy with me....but this is the student who can never find me.

I got scared when someone got real with me.

I managed to leave the rest of my cupcake in someone else's fridge.

I didn't really get to talk to my family because I was so far behind on paperwork for work.

I got upset at a family member. again and again.

I was surprised by someone's kindness.

I downloaded a bunch of Stevie Nicks songs. I don't know why.

I also downloaded Care Bears on Fire, acoustic Snoop Dogg, amy ray, and some other weird stuff to listen too.

I was happy a student listened to me and did a great job!

I told my disruptive student they were going to have to go sit in a naughty chair if they kept disturbing the class.

I totally biffed the days I listen to the Sports Show on K92. Tuesday nights? Wednesday Nights? What night is that show?

I said something really embarrassing to a student. I hope they understand. I wasn't being sensitive. I didn't consider the alternatives.

I wrote mushy facebook messages to some people I just found on there.

I missed all of the drama and trauma of the spring concert. Who is that cruel, and insane to do something like that? What if someone got hurt because of that?

For some reason, I felt loved.

Maybe things can get better. I'll just have to try harder to get stronger.

Be good.

I am writing and posting more because people were complaining about the lack of posts during the great Internet drought of 2008. I went for more than a month without the Internet at home. This limited my time for social purposes on the net since I usually spend most of my time at work researching or writing things that I need for my employment.

I wrote everyday the whole time I didn't have the easy access to the online road to ruin. I tried to work things out in my head by writing. I am still doing that but now I am posting most of it and exposing myself to the ridicule and scrutiny of my students, colleagues, friends and family. Part of the reason I do this is discuss in this recent New York Times article.

I love the picture of John Houseman that accompanies the article. I used to watch "The Paper Chase" with my dad when I was a little girl. I loved the idea of going to college and having gruff but gentle professors who wanted to teach me how to think because that's what the process of law school does. It teaches you how to organize your thoughts and research into viable arguments. Most lawyers I know are good thinkers despite having some organizational issues.
I'm interested to check out 'The Professor Strikes Back" show. I will have to try to see if I can record it off of the school's MTV2 feed.

I had a horrible day in the classroom today. I couldn't control my disruptive students. I could not hold anyone's attention worth a shit. A student misinterpreted what I said about an assignment and took offense. Sometimes I just feel like why am I even trying? What the heck are some of these people going to do when they graduate? They are definitely not used to the whole idea of 'show up and shut up" when it comes to work or school. Some of these people can't  concentrate for more than four minutes at a time.

Not everyone is like this but I just took it to heart today because I had a phone call recently from one of the folks who employs quite a few of our students. They wanted to talk to me about why one of these  folks has an  'attitude' problemor in other words why the hell was this person behaving like spoiled,  lazy, and over privileged diva.  He also wanted to know why someone they employed in a different department who was related major here at the workplace couldn't write their way out of paper bag. He said another department head  was disappointed with that particular hire because the person in that department thought WSC grads could write based on the skills that the people that I had taught displayed. This person they hired did not have any journalism or broadcasting classes but the department head thought they were getting a known quantity when they hired a WSC grad. Now they know that nothing is guaranteed unless my name is somehow attached to the resume.

I am just worried that people like this are going to make it more difficult for students to get their foot in the door. I am trying so hard to infuse my curriculum with practical stuff like writing and editing for electronic media but I don't think any of these people are listening. They rush through their assignments or don't take them seriously. When do they think they will put together a resume reel? When they graduate? Why do they want to make it harder on themselves?
Isn't the world going to be hard enough?

Maybe I was being over sensitive but people sleeping, texting, and talking during class is starting to get to me. It didn't used to be this way. I think part of it is that I have lost my ability to control the classroom since I came back. I have the material but I feel like no one is listening.

This huge pity party I am on lately isn't helping nor is the consistent amount of pain I am in everyday.

I have got to figure out how to get these people back into the game and do their work.

Between the PT, the acupuncture, and a massage my body is hurting today. My hip aches. I even left school early today because I knew that tomorrow would be a long day.

We're going to do a remote. This will require alot of patience since I can't pick anything up. I can just point to things. I also wonder who will work this remote since half the people who would usually show up to do this thing are doing other things. It's weird because most of the people who have complained that we don't do anything in class can't show up when we are doing something.

I'm worried about the people who are suppose to graduate. No one has anything resume ready. I mean none of them. I am not sure what to do about this other than to encourage them to do some resume worthy work.

My dog has ance or a rash on her snout. She has been home less than three days and I have already broken her. It's gross because she rubs her face on the already trashed carpet and makes it even more disgusting. She might have to go to the vet which may cause logistical problems. The truck is too high for her to jump into and I can't lift her. This will require some creative problem solving.

I need to take time to clean my house up a bit. But I am just procrastinating on that like everything else.
I should be continuing to update our advising handbook pages right now but I took a break. I am trying to reassure all those myspace people that yes, I AM ALIVE despite my page being hijacked and all that.

I need more sleep. Even '60 minutes' agrees with me on that one. Apparently if you don't sleep enough you don't produce lepitin and when you don't produce lepitin you think you are hungry all the time. Hmm...that sounds familiar. Maybe I can work this angle so I can stop scarfing down unhealthy food. Actually, I don't think what I eat is that unhealthy it's just the amount. I can work on this. But like many other things I just don't always get to it.

We had more snow again today. Not my favorite. 

The snow caused some problems.

I am not happy about this.
Argg.....I just don't think it's tasteful.

This is something to think about. I am not sure I can even process this.

I should probably fix my myspace page but for some reason I don't want too. Myspace causes too many issues with the home computer. A friend emailed another friend to ask if I had died. I guess it's nice that they asked.

I missed the sexual harassment workshop at work because I had to get to physical therapy where I was told 'your hamstrings are tight' and 'you don't need PT as in physical therapy you need it as in personal trainer' 'are you sure the doctor told you to come here'. After that conversation the nice therapist proceeded to have me do things with my core muscles that hurt in good way but then I did one thing that hurt in a bad way. The therapist didn't quite believe my story till someone brought up my xray. She was stunned I could move around as well as I can. Sometimes I'm not happy with myself because it seems like there is so much I still can't do. Certain things like bending require planning and thought. I can't pick things up. I am actually afraid of the camera bag at work cause I know I can pick up but then it will hurt like a mofo later. Vacuuming is very difficult. I can do it but my lower back will actually hurt afterwards. I can't cut my toenails on the left foot. There are other more personal things that are challenging but I have to give myself some time.

My calf still hurts from last week and my hip pain is about the same. I want the hip pain to go away. I am hoping the PT will help.

I wonder if I really need a sexual harassment workshop?  I feel it's hypocritical of my workplace to ask me to attend one. I  have complained twice about being harassed and the workplace didn't respond to me at all. I was told in the one case that I needed more than one incident to complain.  One of the people still works there. I think students have complained about this person too, but nothing was done. Maybe if someone complains now they will do something about this guy. I know I am a big girl and can take care of myself but this person is insidious and subtle. It angers me that no action has been taken but then again what do I know.
 
 The other guy I actually kneed in the balls cause he got too close too many times. This guy was consistently doing stuff like trying to snap my bra strap. He would also put himself in a position to reach around me in small spaces. He was just a weirdo. He also made alot of comments on my appearance. He  wanted me to go to church to save my soul because I had sinned by having a kid out of wedlock.   But this was all before the sexual harassment policy was in place. My boss at the time told me that the person's time was up at the end of the year so I just needed to be patient and the problem would take care of itself.

When I think about this I wonder if the fact I didn't complain too much or too loudly about these people is indicative of my tendency to not care for myself. I know during one of the times this stuff happened I was doing some counseling about another issues in my life and I mentioned it to the therapist who also worked part time for the workplace. The therapist seemed concerned that I didn't make a bigger deal out of it. She also seemed upset that nothing was done.

Sometimes I wonder if I am treating people fairly. I don't think I harass people per say but sometimes I tease my students to try to get them to do a better job or to get them to wake up.  Not so much anymore because I don't them well enough to tease them. I do tease people who fall asleep in class. I have a couple of students who think class time is nap time. One of them works at 4:30AM everyday and the other one I think they just stay up too late after their work ends at night. I also tease a student who consistently causes class disruptions. It sort of keeps them under control for a bit. I know that student pretty well and they will be graduating soon. I worry about them. My other class disrupter I have some problems with but have managed to cope with it by spending some time with them outside of class. They don't teach you how to deal with these things in grad school. I don't think the teasing is sexual but it could be considered harassment. I will have to read up on this and see what the deal is. No one has ever complained but there is always a first time.

I know I fell asleep in my 8am aesthetics class in college. I think I also slept though a semester of anthropology but I managed to study the text and do well on the exams. I liked the aesthetics professor. He pulled me aside and told me I had to wake up because I was causing him to have a complex about his teaching skills. The instructor was a pretentious arty boy who later that year after I had graduated, decided to ask me out on series of  dates which consisted of watching a series of Russ Meyer movies in his apartment. I wonder if that would be considered sexual harassment?  His intentions seemed sincere. He wanted to expand my knowledge of classic American films. He tried to get me to go into a PhD program after my MFA cause he felt I would be a great teacher but I told him I was done with school for awhile cause I needed to have a 'real' life.

I also had a prof in grad school that was charged with sexual harassment but the school chose to send him to some sort of rehab situation cause he was also an alcoholic. I remember having him in class prior to the rehab. He arranged our seating so that all of the women were in the front row. He also used to have 'one on ones' with us. Usually you would try to bring a friend to your 'one on one' because he was just a creepy sort of guy. He'd talk to your breasts instead of your face. I was assigned to be his lab assistant. When he came back from his forced sabbatical he would talk to me about all sorts of weirdly inappropriate things. Later I was quizzed about by the department head about all of this. I think the school asked him to take early retirement. At the time my coping strategy was to just play along with his crap, keep my head down, and hope for a good grade. One time I got upset about something he said to me I remember putting my hand underneath his chin lifting his head up so he would look me in the eye. I told him to repeat what he said but he couldn't. He didn't bother me again.

It seems weird to me that we still have these sorts of problems in my workplace. I would have hoped to have all sexual harassment eradicated in my lifetime at work.  I think it's the exception rather than the rule at my workplace. It does bother me that the one person still works there. But I also think my view is skewed because of my life experiences. I just hope I am not hurting my students. I know that when students have come to me to complain about things like this I have sent them to my supervisors but there doesn't appear to be much follow up. I worry about that.

I don't know why I am thinking about this right now. Maybe it's repressed memories or something,. Or maybe I am just annoyed the workplace will ask me attend a videotaped screening of the workshop.

I spend alot of time thinking about what I want the second half of my life to feel and look like. I have come up with a few things to consider and ponder.

1. I want to be happy.

2. I want to not worry about what people think of me.

3. I want to be as healthy as I can be.

4. I want to make more art. Or be more creative I'm not sure what format that will take.

5. I want to live in a house that's clean and presentable. This means a maid, stylist, and personal assistant.

6. I want to not have to worry if I am wearing raggy underwear everyday because of unexpected trip to a doctor or hospital. This has happened twice in a 30 day period. I was wearing the the worst possible bra and underwear when I was being held against my will by a medical professional. Twice

7. I want to maintain my friendships.

8. I want to volunteer and help kids.

9. I want to improve my relationships with certain people in my family

10. I want to live near an ocean or the desert.

11. I'd like to be in love again but I am not sure about that. Love is cool and all that but it always ends up being a painful lesson to be learned for me. I always love people that aren't interested, inappropriate, or screwed up. What does that say about me? I don't regret any of it. I think I've been able to have a 'love of my life' and that was fantastic but as for the chances of that happening again...I think I'd rather buy a lotto ticket. Better odds.

12. Hot sex would be nice but I'm not sure how hot it could be when I am all broken like this. I think I'll have to adjust my expectations on that one. I'm not twenty anymore.

13. Not to be broken anymore.

14. To continue to be a good teacher.

15. I should probably learn how to knit or quilt. You know, a hobby.....

The tired is on top of the pain with a garnish of anger. My ‘good’ leg hurts so it’s tough to walk. My ‘bad’ leg…is still weak and still hurts. I can’t push up out of chair with my legs, it’s all about the upper body strength which then impacts my back. I am still surviving with no narcotic pain meds which is a mistake. I am hoping the doc renewed the script because I have woke up crying several times this week in pain. I want this to be over.

Initially I thought I was upset about something which yeah…maybe I could still be but the tears are from pain. I didn’t think I would be back at a place where walking and sitting caused pain. It’s frustrating and annoying.

Work was just infuriating today. It’s not all my fault that the people in my area do not communicate with one another. I may be part of the problem but I am not the only poor communicator in the bunch.

I was told I could ask for help with something by one of the folks in charge of me but then one of the people who is peripherally involved in all of this made a snide email remark and now the department is having a war of words over email. I don’t have time for this crap. In addition to that….the person apparently was rude to a student. You know what. I don’t care how pissed you are at me. Don’t be rude or throw things back at students. Tell me you are mad at me. I have to resolve this because it’s the middle of the night and I am still upset by the whole deal.

I want to help students. I want to talk to students. I want to hang out and edit with students or make videos with them in the context of curriculum. I do not want to spend hours rewriting requests, reports, and other things. I do not want to spend hours in meetings. I do not want to waste the little energy I have on things that are outside the classroom.
 

There were also things that should have been done but weren’t. Sigh. Normally, I would have just gotten the equipment and done it but I have been battling a headache since Wednesday and it’s a doozy.

I would also like to know how I am supposed to shlep something that weighs 40 pounds across campus by myself. I guess I will find out how charming I really am tomorrow when I have to pick up the aforementioned item. I hope someone can help me who isn't going to throw it back in my face.  Oh yes….and I was supposed to have esp to find this item which normally resides in someone’s office but apparently now lives in a closet. Great.

Can you tell I am just a raging bitch at the moment?

I am so tired of drama with my body and drama with my mind.

To top it all off….I have to work an event on Saturday where I have to be charming and lovely so I can recruit students. I’ll need an attitude adjustment tomorrow so I can be pleasant on Saturday.

The only good thing lately is my friends and the fact it’s sort of warm. My dog is coming home so maybe things will get better.

I hope so.

I feel sort of better now that all of this is off my chest. I waited to see if I really wanted to post this and , yeah I do. I don't care if everyone knows what's happening because.....it doesn't matter what you actually do, it's what people think you do that matters.

I need to have a good weekend. I want to have a weekend. I will have a good weekend. That's my mantra.

Okay, I'm not dead or injured or anything like that. It was just hard to write and post when I had no Internet at home. The Internet is back. Things are a bit better financially. The other stuff well.....I am efforting that. Many people I knew asked why I wasn't blogging anymore. Some people who I don't know were very concerned and wrote me lovely emails. Thank you Ms. Sheila and Renee.

I just didn't want to spend more than 14 hours a day at work. That harsh florescent lighting isn't good for the complexion. So I wrote at home but just didn't post any of it. I'll post a few things now but most of what I wrote in the last month was so dark it scared me. I am usually a bit cynical but this was a bit more than the standard sardonic fare I force on the reader.....anyways.....here's my birthday entry.

========================================================

10 Things on the day of the celebration of my birth

1. Enjoy my dog
2. Look in the library for “Annie Hall” and the 2005 version of “Pride and Prejudice”. Both were checked out. I find that odd.
3. Got an email reminding me to add another office hour to my regular schedule. I interpreted this as the VPAA saying I don’t work hard enough. I become very angry thinking of other people I know who work a two day a week schedule. I wonder how this five day a week schedule means I am not working hard enough. I wonder how working every Tuesday from 9AM to 9PM is not working hard enough. Continue to be pissed about this all day. How fricking dare someone imply I don’t work enough hours.
4. Drive the kid to an interview. Sit in truck, read 20 fairly wretched undergraduate research papers that have to be evaluated by Monday for conference selection.
5. Get an email from a guy I dated briefly who remembered it was my birthday. I was flattered but I wonder about this.
6. Sit on my butt, watch some trashy TV including a History channel special about Evel Knievel, a childhood hero I share a birthday with, the Spirit Awards sponsored by the Film Independent organization, and a new SNL with Tina Fey that was very good. I know SNL isn’t supposed to be cool or good but this edition was laugh out loud funny. My favorite bits were the Weekend Update with surprise guest Mike Huckabee and Tina Fey’s Women’s News. There were some other good bits like Lady Business making fun of all of the SATC spin offs, and “What’s that Bitch Talking About It.” I also liked the Spirit Awards because they always do some originals things with it and Rainn Wilson was a great host. I particularly enjoyed watching him wrestle Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
7. Ate Ice Cream
8. Be happy that so many people wrote cool birthday messages on my Facebook wall.
9. My former roommate was fairly hurtful and sarcastic to me. Sorry you didn’t get an official birthday present from me last summer but I think you should consider the Fall Semester of college I paid for as something. It was $2700 worth of something. Plus you have my laptop. I can’t work three jobs like I usually do so you can live your slacker life style. Give your mom a break.
10.  Think to myself I can choose to be happy today.