Posts (page 2)

The tired is on top of the pain with a garnish of anger. My ‘good’ leg hurts so it’s tough to walk. My ‘bad’ leg…is still weak and still hurts. I can’t push up out of chair with my legs, it’s all about the upper body strength which then impacts my back. I am still surviving with no narcotic pain meds which is a mistake. I am hoping the doc renewed the script because I have woke up crying several times this week in pain. I want this to be over.

Initially I thought I was upset about something which yeah…maybe I could still be but the tears are from pain. I didn’t think I would be back at a place where walking and sitting caused pain. It’s frustrating and annoying.

Work was just infuriating today. It’s not all my fault that the people in my area do not communicate with one another. I may be part of the problem but I am not the only poor communicator in the bunch.

I was told I could ask for help with something by one of the folks in charge of me but then one of the people who is peripherally involved in all of this made a snide email remark and now the department is having a war of words over email. I don’t have time for this crap. In addition to that….the person apparently was rude to a student. You know what. I don’t care how pissed you are at me. Don’t be rude or throw things back at students. Tell me you are mad at me. I have to resolve this because it’s the middle of the night and I am still upset by the whole deal.

I want to help students. I want to talk to students. I want to hang out and edit with students or make videos with them in the context of curriculum. I do not want to spend hours rewriting requests, reports, and other things. I do not want to spend hours in meetings. I do not want to waste the little energy I have on things that are outside the classroom.
 

There were also things that should have been done but weren’t. Sigh. Normally, I would have just gotten the equipment and done it but I have been battling a headache since Wednesday and it’s a doozy.

I would also like to know how I am supposed to shlep something that weighs 40 pounds across campus by myself. I guess I will find out how charming I really am tomorrow when I have to pick up the aforementioned item. I hope someone can help me who isn't going to throw it back in my face.  Oh yes….and I was supposed to have esp to find this item which normally resides in someone’s office but apparently now lives in a closet. Great.

Can you tell I am just a raging bitch at the moment?

I am so tired of drama with my body and drama with my mind.

To top it all off….I have to work an event on Saturday where I have to be charming and lovely so I can recruit students. I’ll need an attitude adjustment tomorrow so I can be pleasant on Saturday.

The only good thing lately is my friends and the fact it’s sort of warm. My dog is coming home so maybe things will get better.

I hope so.

I feel sort of better now that all of this is off my chest. I waited to see if I really wanted to post this and , yeah I do. I don't care if everyone knows what's happening because.....it doesn't matter what you actually do, it's what people think you do that matters.

I need to have a good weekend. I want to have a weekend. I will have a good weekend. That's my mantra.

Okay, I'm not dead or injured or anything like that. It was just hard to write and post when I had no Internet at home. The Internet is back. Things are a bit better financially. The other stuff well.....I am efforting that. Many people I knew asked why I wasn't blogging anymore. Some people who I don't know were very concerned and wrote me lovely emails. Thank you Ms. Sheila and Renee.

I just didn't want to spend more than 14 hours a day at work. That harsh florescent lighting isn't good for the complexion. So I wrote at home but just didn't post any of it. I'll post a few things now but most of what I wrote in the last month was so dark it scared me. I am usually a bit cynical but this was a bit more than the standard sardonic fare I force on the reader.....anyways.....here's my birthday entry.

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10 Things on the day of the celebration of my birth

1. Enjoy my dog
2. Look in the library for “Annie Hall” and the 2005 version of “Pride and Prejudice”. Both were checked out. I find that odd.
3. Got an email reminding me to add another office hour to my regular schedule. I interpreted this as the VPAA saying I don’t work hard enough. I become very angry thinking of other people I know who work a two day a week schedule. I wonder how this five day a week schedule means I am not working hard enough. I wonder how working every Tuesday from 9AM to 9PM is not working hard enough. Continue to be pissed about this all day. How fricking dare someone imply I don’t work enough hours.
4. Drive the kid to an interview. Sit in truck, read 20 fairly wretched undergraduate research papers that have to be evaluated by Monday for conference selection.
5. Get an email from a guy I dated briefly who remembered it was my birthday. I was flattered but I wonder about this.
6. Sit on my butt, watch some trashy TV including a History channel special about Evel Knievel, a childhood hero I share a birthday with, the Spirit Awards sponsored by the Film Independent organization, and a new SNL with Tina Fey that was very good. I know SNL isn’t supposed to be cool or good but this edition was laugh out loud funny. My favorite bits were the Weekend Update with surprise guest Mike Huckabee and Tina Fey’s Women’s News. There were some other good bits like Lady Business making fun of all of the SATC spin offs, and “What’s that Bitch Talking About It.” I also liked the Spirit Awards because they always do some originals things with it and Rainn Wilson was a great host. I particularly enjoyed watching him wrestle Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
7. Ate Ice Cream
8. Be happy that so many people wrote cool birthday messages on my Facebook wall.
9. My former roommate was fairly hurtful and sarcastic to me. Sorry you didn’t get an official birthday present from me last summer but I think you should consider the Fall Semester of college I paid for as something. It was $2700 worth of something. Plus you have my laptop. I can’t work three jobs like I usually do so you can live your slacker life style. Give your mom a break.
10.  Think to myself I can choose to be happy today.
    

The last few weeks have been difficult. I have a myriad of problems that need to be dealt with and only so much energy to spread around.

I had a return visit to the hospital which scared me and my Broadcast J students. I had a terrible headache all day. I was stuttering and couldn't think. I could understand people but then my jaw locked up and I really couldn't talk. My head swam with pain. I could only ask why? It was scary. I ended up in the hospital for about 24 hours. They catscanned my head... nothing seemed to be wrong. I was in pain till finally someone gave me a shot of Toradol. I felt weird because it didn't really dull the pain the way it usually does. It did let me sleep for bits of time.

 My IV blew twice so I know I was dehydrated.  I must have felt like crap because I didn't want to get up by myself. My bed was alarmed so when I tried to stroll over to the bathroom a very loud piercing sound happened and didn't stop till the nurse came and turned it off. I  saw my favorite nurse of all time Amber. She is such a nice kind person.

The next day when I could think better I talked to my doc about going back to counseling and doing something about my stress level. I tend to not notice when I am really stressed out about something and then something like this headache happens.

My oncologist urged me to come to the Cancer Center to get checked out because mysterious weird headaches can be indicators of the return of the cancer. He told me my blood proteins were a little high but we'd watch them. He also told me not to stress out too much. He thought I looked like I might have been working to hard.

I had been doing okay with work but it just sort of piled up on me. The additional stress of working out my problems with the IRS only added to the pile of stuff. I spent about 6 hours organizing the information for the Tax Advocate. The Tax Advocate is supposed to help idiots like me deal with the IRS. I qualify for the help because I am still recovering from all of the broken back and cancer mess.
After I finished the IRS paperwork I sat down and listed every medical bill I have. That was more than stressful. I was upset the whole time thinking how will I pay this back on my salary? How will I do this without working an extra job? I also thought I have good insurance and I still owe a kings ransom in medical bills. The only other debt I have is the really bad kind student loans and taxes.

I should  think "Oh it's just money" but it isn't. I have real problems with money. It's not just being disorganized. It's destructive.  I vow to get some help with this and figure it out. I don't think I will ever be 'good' with money but I can at least try to do something about this 'bad' stressful relationship I have with it.

I have no cable, no Internet, and no phone other than my cell. That should save some money. It should also let me have some more time to spend walking or reading or doing my homework.

My last thing I need to address is my unhealthy relationship with food. I have been overeating to the extreme. All I want is pop and candy. This isn't healthy. I am  lucky that some people have been making me wholesome healthy food. The school is having a workshop about healthy eating so I think I will go to that. Maybe I can get some ideas about my over eating problem. I think overeating is like my problem with money. I know what I need to do but I have trouble doing it. I can talk the talk but when it comes to walking the walk it ain't happening.

This winter has been hard on my physically and mentally. It just never seems to end. Every day I get up and I hurt somewhere new. I can't take narcotics because all that does is numb things up for awhile. I also have to think about if I will fall on the ice and snow. Last week I fell three times. I keep thinking that when I fall "Will this be the fall that puts my rods or screws out of place?" It's a frightening thought.

I have also been getting upset about the recent rash of school shootings. I should feel fine and secure at my school because I know the majority of students. It just seems to me that every year I spend teaching I get more broken people. Some of these people are damaged in the most profound ways. I am not sure anymore how much help I can be to these people. I just want my students to be able to forge good happy lives with fulfilling relationships. That might be too much to ask or too hard to manage now. Everything is so  different.

I have some wonderful terrific people and that makes up for everything. I still worry about the ones I don't know or I can't reach out too. I  don't have the energy to spend on my students that I did before. I feel bad about that but I have to find ways to do my job that won't sacrifice my entire heart and soul.

For years this job has been the only thing I have ever fully loved and committed to. I need to redefine things and rearrange some things to strike a balance. I think I will be healthier for it and my students would benefit from seeing a teacher with a balanced sense of priorities.

I  am tired of feeling screwed up. I want to feel whole and healthy. I can't remember that feeling. That's frightening and sad.

Some people don't like when I write like this because it cuts too close to bone and it's intensely personal. The way I feel about it is that I know some people read this and get some help from it. I know some people read this and worry about me. I write because it suits me. It also keeps me honest. I need to be honest with myself. Self pity isn't pretty.

Even with all of these dark problems I do have some hope because my friends and sister have been real troupers helping me out as I stumble way through this difficult winter. I feel so weak but then when someone will call and talk me down off the ledge or someone will make me some food or my sister will send me a funny card or someone does some simple kindness for me....it helps so much. It makes me realize that I used to be like that once upon a time and maybe some day I will be like that again.

I can only hope.

Is it weird?

1. Is it weird that I covet this Hello Kitty Camcorder? 
   

   Hellokitty
2. Is it weird that today is the first day I almost feel physically well? And not like this?
   

   Frida Kalo

1. Is it weird that I am still wearing my old boyfriend’s t-shirts?
2. Is it weird that this video caused me to laugh forever and ever?
3. Is it weird that my truck makes a horrible grinding noise when it goes into four wheel drive?
   

   Truck
4. Is it weird that I love 'Mad Men' so much?
5. Is it weird that I want to be organized but I am such a slob?
6. Is it weird that I now I get the attraction of Jane Austen's novels?
   
7. Is it weird that I wanted to be a writer and poet when I was a kid?
8. Is it weird that my favorite thing to do is read?
   

Broke and Sick

My life is becoming more than a bad poem or a angst ridden tale of illness and irresponsibility. It is just surreal.  I never in my life thought I could live like this.

Sometimes I sleep in my old, old boyfriend’s t-shirts. It's oddly comforting. Although  I don't think that's healthy. He's not coming back. He's happily married in some southern state where it's warm.

I realized that when I was looking at some CDs in the station that the handwriting of my son's father is all over them. He must have rated the music when he was the music director of the radio station 20 years ago. It’s all classic college rock. There are also CDs with his handwriting from when he worked here. Weird to be surrounded by that but oddly comforting.

Sometimes when I listen to the radio station I realize that some of that music in automation is older than my students.

I have to take medication that I can’t afford even with my ‘good’ insurance.

It’s so damn cold that things are breaking, cracking and falling apart.

 I can’t get warm unless I am sleeping.

Sometimes I am so tired  I  go to sleep at my desk at work.

 I am so broke that I have to borrow money to buy ramen.

 I am so afraid that the cancer will come back because I can’t seem to get a straight answer out of the medical folks other than “You’re a medical miracle! Come back in 30 days so we can make sure you aren’t filled with cancerous cells.”

I feel loved. I know I am not alone.

I wonder how the heck I will get out of the mess I am in? I can’t do my usual thing and it’s beyond uncomfortable,

I don’t seem to cry much about anything but I seem to tear up if something emotional is shown on TV or if I watch a particularly moving movie or TV show.

I am just unsure about how things will turn out.

I am very lucky because I fell into my 'chosen' profession. My grad school specialized in churning out folks who usually went into some creative aspect of production at a cable network. We had the occasional scholar but most of us ended up making a living with our skills and love of the 'art' of video production. I ended up being the 'scholarly' one in my year which makes me laugh.
      Most of the previous classes 'scholars' were PhD program superstars who write great textbooks or make interesting contributions to creative digital media technology. Sometimes I think my adviser must have felt I turned out to be real dud based on my passionate video 'art' projects and my odd ball obsession with professional wrestling. My MFA thesis was titled "Post Modernism and Professional Wresting: From Barthes to Hulkamania". You can just imagine what that show looked like.
     I ended up being a trailblazer of sorts because I decided to do something odd after graduate school. I ended up coming to Nebraska to teach. The next year's 'scholar' ended up curating 'new media' for the NY Museum of Contemporary Art and the next one made money doing video light installations that ended up on the walls of corperate America. At the time no one understood my need to come to a small state college and teach.
     I'm not sure I understood it either but the decision was the best one I made in the '80s. It took me some time to realize that I had some potential in education and could possibly make a career of it. Thank goodness because I had a kid and a boyfriend to support.
     Twenty years later I wonder if I can still teach. I am always surprised at how much I learn from the students. I am always in wonder about all the new and different things there are out in the world to learn about that are connected to media.
     Today was the first day I felt like myself since my accident/illness and it was good but exhasting. If I were a better writer or had more time I could express it in the way it deserves. It was just a signifigant thing. A tiring thing. But a good thing.
     I need more days like today to offset the health challenges of the past and future. I have some other things going on that I need strength to take care of so having a good day at work helps me to pull it together for the things that just sap all of the fun out of my life. I pray for strength to cope with all of the other things.
   I did have a meeting this morning but I got over it quickly. The classes I taught helped me to forget it.

I should have written an entry about my return to work but I haven't felt like it. I have been too tired or too happy to do it. This is the first semester where I have had to teach classes five days a week with two of those days being three classes in a row with lab at the end of the day and a meeting at 9am to start the day. Yep. I am just like any salaried cubicle worker with my 9-5 schedule but I also have homework on top of all that so it's just fun. I can only hope that my schedule will get better next year but I won't be bitter...just overworked.

I am six months out from my last back surgery and let's go over what I can do now. Or as I call it my list of tricks....many of these are new in the last month.

1. I can almost touch my toes but I still can't reach my feet to put my socks on all the time.

2. I can sit and stand without my brace on for longer periods of time everyday without pain.

3. My hip still irritates me but it doesn't feel like it's on fire most of the time which is good.

4. My back hurts when I bend too much but I CAN BEND!!!!!!

5. I can sort of cut my toenails on my right foot but not the left.

6. I can wear underwear again! Underwear was always the most difficult thing to manage despite all of the helpful 'tools' I was using. Winter isn't really a good time to go commando anyways.

7. I can put my pants on one leg at a time. I don't need my assistive tools to do it.  Pantyhose frighten me but I can do them if it's an emergency but I can't think of any emergencies which would require pantyhose.

8. I can concentrate better because I am not on a constant schedule of narcotics to deal with my pain.

9. My left leg is weak but I am working on it.

10. My back scar isn't so bad...you remember the eighty staple one......my side scar is still red but I can see that someday in the future it will fade.

I am almost back into my pre-surgery clothes. I have a weird pad of fat on my back and left hip. I am not sure  what's up with that other than scarring and inflammation from the surgery that will need more time to calm down.

I am at last count......about $10,000 in the hole with medical expenses. I hate to think what it would have been without insurance. Not sure how this will get paid at the moment but I will be working on that this week. I am still recovering from my son's 2006 surgery.  I am the movie "SICKO".

Ok back to my homework.

I wonder how I will feel a year out from this?

Today started out okay despite some initial computer issues in the classroom. I tried to remember to smile. I tried to speak with happiness in my voice. I tried to assertive and effective. I am not sure how that went. I have a full class and the room is small. I wonder what I did to piss off the classroom selection gods. I have some crappy classrooms this semester and it's sort of undermining my mojo.

I should have been a brat and demanded that I be given the classrooms I am accustomed to but then again I have to remember that at least I have the classes in my building this semester. I would dread the idea of going back and forth between buildings. The parking areas are icy because it's been warm so stuff melts and then freezes again. I did take a header into a car...thank goodness it was an old and sturdy vehicle because I surely would have dented a newer car. I also managed to almost slip crossing the street but I sort of did a very awkward interpretative dance to try to stay balanced. The idea of traveling between buildings is just frightening to me. The little bit of  foot traveling I have done pn campus during the past two days has made me anxious and nervous.

I spent the rest of the day trying to take care of little odds and ends in my office. A major piece of our video infrastructure crapped out on us. Luckily, our engineer found a replacement on ebay for 1/10th the replacement cost. I hope that will work out when it comes in. Until then we won't be able to see the video in the monitors in the studio. I am going to have to go through the studio tomorrow and see how every thing is. I should have done that last week but time ran away from me and hid somewhere under my bed.

I wonder if it was the right decision to share what's happening with my health with the students? I just briefly said...."I fell last summer and they told me the good news is that you broke your back and the bad news is that there is a tumor and it is cancer." If my injury were less visible I think I would have decided to been a bit more private about it but this way it's out there if I get tired or worn down. I am not sure what I will think about this decision in the future. I'll have to see how it goes.

I need to remember that my students can be a great resource to help me become a more positive person. Just being around everyone in the last two days made realize how much I need the college and the classroom.  I truly enjoy teaching and it makes me happy if someone seems engaged in the course materials. I can also see a little bit of separation of my personal self from my teaching self. That has never happened before but to me that is an encouraging sign that I can work on leaving my work at work. Although I did answer my phone from a dead sleep because someone called about the broken sync generator. I should have put a sign up. Oh well. I'm back! I'm happy and grateful although I wish I had my regular classrooms. Who knew I would become so inflexible in my middle age?

Tomorrow will be another long day.....three classes...one lab....one meeting. I better sleep tonight.

In other news......

I am proud of my kid. He did some things on his own today that will help both us. I hope that trend continues.

Otherwise.....I did the whole day with no pain killers. I just took some stuff to help with my tooth tonight because it is throbbing. My toe is also hurting because I walked alot on campus today. My hip is stinging but not terribly. So far so good.

So that would be me. Although a student said "I missed you, you are my "B". I think she made a New Year's resolution to stop swearing or something.

I can tell that Mondays will be very rough. I have four classes in a row. This happened because I had a low enrollment class and then somehow picked up a speech class to teach. I am also teaching five days a week. That hasn't happened since the early '90s so......I will leave the readers to guess what happened there. So much for that FMLA leave act.

My first class was in a classroom I never teach in. It was also full of students I don't know. Perfect for the first class back after sitting on my ass in my house for six months thinking about nothing but cancer.

It didn't go badly but not as well as I hoped.

My afternoon classes went well. I worked very hard on my materials for the 2PM class. Although they grumbled for a bit about staying so long on the first day I think they got something out of the class.  I'll have to see how the prod class works out. I am also anxious to see how having the Workshop be directed study will work.

I have all sorts of questions. The students did too so between classes I had the usual crush of people who needed things signed or stuff looked at. I made notes about what people needed so I wouldn't forget to follow thru. I think that will help.

I felt sort of faint in front of an office in Hahn cause it was warm over there. That was the only bad thing I felt other than profoundly tired. I fell asleep from 5:30-7:30 and now I am just feeling tired again.

My toe still hurts from what the doc did on Friday and my tooth is throbbing. I think some medication is in order. My back is okay but my hip is stinging.

I am glad I am back at work.

So yeah....the bitch is happy to be back at work............

I wonder if this New Year will be happy. I hope so. It can't be any worse than 2007.

Let's do a short summary of the sucky year that was 2007

January 2007

Return from ski trip, drive thru a crippling snow storn home. An auspicious way to start the year.

Good friend and creative partner decides enough is enough, and boots me from all aspects of their life. I feel relieved but sad about this.

February 2007

Judge many speech tournaments.

March 2007

Don't do much of anything interesting

April 2007

Take students on trip to Minnesota. get speeding ticket. Pisses me off.

May 2007

Start working at Western Wats. It's okay. I don't mind as much as I thought I would.

June 2007

Teach really itty bitty speech class.

July 2007

Start my internship at KTIV-TV in Sioux City, Iowa. Enjoy myself until I jump off a platform, break my back, and find out I have cancer. Have an operation to fix my back. My sister comes to help me out.

August 2007

Have two more operations to fix my back. Spend the month in a haze of narcotics and hospital rooms. People are kind to me and try to help me deal with all of this stuff.

I don't go back to work because I am still flat on my back in pain.

My son starts college without me.

September 2007

I finally get out of the hospital and start radiation therapy for the multiple myeloma cancer I have.

The month is a blur of pain because I have to ride in a van everyday to treatment.

I miss working.

My sister, brother in law, and brother visit me because they are concerned. This was such a great trip and I was grateful they came out to help me.

My friends start having weekly meetings to help me deal with my cancer issues. We have tea parties where I sit and realize I have some kick ass friends.

I start to learn about reiki and how it can help me.

October 2007

Finish up the radiation therapy.

Graduate to walking with a cane instead of a walker.

The  entertainment writer's strike begins so we won't have any new shows come springtime cept for maybe 'Lost' or perhaps some mid-season replacement stuff the networks were saving.

November 2007

Start driving again.

Sit around at home and worry.

December 2007

Neurologist finally lets me take my brace off for physical therapy.

Go to Connecticut to celebrate with my family for the holidays. Get stuck at Midway airport for a long time.

Come home to find the IRS took a huge chunk of my paycheck in December. Panic.

2008 will be better. It has to be.