2 posts tagged “middle age with cancer”

"This Women's Work" by Kate Bush 1989

Kate Bush

Lately, I have been fascinated with the songs of Kate Bush....not sure why. They are mellow and cutting at the same time. Very early nineties emo girl. I particularly listen to a song that was used in a ton of movies and television promos. It turned up in the Fall 2007 season promo for CSI which still manages to be one of my favorite shows. I remember when they used it in the film " She's Having a Baby" during the labor scene. There are many other shows it was featured in.  I also think they used it in a "Grey's Anatomy" promo last season so if you heard this song it was probably in that promo.

 The lyrics ring true for me although I think they are supposed to be toward a lover or a husband. For me, it's more about maybe an inner personal relationship. Or maybe the first verse could be about the doctor. Now his work is done maybe it's time for me to do my work in recovery. Work in recovery requires courage and patience because it's slow process that can be painful. I have often found myself saying...you can still do this. You still have it in you to be faster, better, and stronger. I know that I am the only one that can make me that way.

The other verses make me think about things in my life I could of done, or should have done. Bungee jumping in Vegas comes to mind but I think its okay I didn't manage that one. There are other things that sometimes bring up regrets. I wish I had said some stuff to an ex boyfriend, things like that but nothing that makes me very sad when I think about it.

The part about not letting it show, that would be me. Not being able to stop thinking....you know that's me again....

Anyways, I had been thinking about this song so I decided to do a blog entry that as I look it over sounds like some 14 year old girl's.....which is okay...cause I think every 43 year old has some of that in her.

Trying to Think

I won't put a music file up but it's easily found on myspace or you can sample it at itunes.

"This Women's Work" By Kate Bush

Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.

Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.

(I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.)

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.

TSOL Brace

Recovery is a full time job.

After people get over the shock of my sudden injury and the consequential illness the next question they ask is when I will go back to work. My answer is "I don't know, we'll have to see how I am doing"

Injuries that have to heal...hip, back, incisions.

I have to recover from the injury which is specifically a broken back vertebrae L2. I had had three repair surgeries which involved the removal of bone from L2 to T11. Those bones were replaced with cadaver bone, my bone, and a titanium appliance made up of rods screws, and mesh which supports all of it. Keep in mind there are 5 lumbar spine parts which hold up most of the weight of the body and there are twelve thoracic bones. The thoracic parts aren't very mobile because they are hooked to the ribs and protect the spinal cord connections and nerves.

The first surgery I had on July 10th failed because the mesh from the appliance was resting on the screws and not the bone. They did the second and third surgeries to secure my spine. I didn't have much bone to attach anything to so they harvested some from the top of my left hip. They also took bone marrow samples at that time. So in addition to the back surgery my left hip is irritated and injured because of the bone marrow sampling and bone harvesting. When they harvest marrow they use a drill and when they harvest they use a tool that looks like a Dremel that shaves part of the iliac crest or top part of your hip. Orthopedic pain or having to do with a bones is different than muscle or incision pain.

I was also in bed for three weeks. Bedrest is how an injury like this heals but it does some bad things for your body. I have lost muscle in my hips and thighs that I need to walk with the brace. I use a walker, hopefully I will use a cane soon and then eventually walk on my own again. This process should take about a month.

If you've read this far you now know my back and hip hurt like mofos. I also have some incision irritation. I have two incisions. One small eight inch incision on my left side and eighteen inch incision down the middle of my back to my butt. The larger one is constant contact with whatever I am wearing and that's made worse by the brace I have to wear.
I wear a TLSO brace or Thoraco-Lumbo-Sacral-Orthosis brace that fits close to my body. I must wear it every minute I am supporting any weight on my spine. It is stiff, unyielding and uncomfortable. It's also fairly ugly. I must wear it for 90 days.